Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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