Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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