Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
