Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
