It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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