So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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