its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
