Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
