you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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