His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
