You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
