I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How does one acquire holy water?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
