I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
