Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
