I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
