I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
