I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
