Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i love accidental penises.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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