I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
