I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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