btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
