New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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