I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
