Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
