there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
