I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
