someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
