I only kidnapped one of them. chill
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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