About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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