U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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