I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
