I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
