hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
