AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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