He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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