I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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