someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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