dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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