I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
