We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
