Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
