The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
