Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How external is "for external use only"?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
