if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Life without a bra equals bliss.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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