Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
