he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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