Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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