Your face is a jimmy john
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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