I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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