I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
